Uncovering My True Self

It is interesting to me that there are parts of us that are so deeply imbedded that we don’t even recognize it about ourselves. I wouldn’t have always called myself a people pleaser. Those are words that I didn’t use to describe myself up until the last several years.

I think if I would have paid more attention, I would have seen it. After all, it was well known that growing up even a disappointed look from my parents brought me to tears. They would often say something like, “why are you crying, we haven’t said anything yet.”

In high school, I had a teacher that told me/the class, you can please some people all of the time and all people some of the time, but you can’t please all people all of the time. I argued with him. He went on to explain that he could go get a bunch of candy bars for the whole class and inevitably someone would be unhappy. I never forgot that conversation. Even though it made perfect sense, I never wanted to believe it. I thought I was the exception to the rule. I could find a way to please everyone.

Even with those stories, I am not sure I would have always labeled myself a people pleaser. It might seem obvious to you, but I think we often don’t pay attention to ourselves. At least I didn’t. I certainly did not know how deep my people pleasing went. Maybe I still don’t.

When I stumbled across the Enneagram again in the summer of 2018, it hit me different. I couldn’t tell you why. I had heard of it before and even took the tests. It was interesting to me. But this time was different. I decided to dive deeper. I don’t know if it was something that was said on the podcast that I was listening to or if I was just in a different place in my life. Whatever the reason, it changed me.

I didn’t just take the test. I read books. I listened to podcasts. I talked about it.

One might say I was obsessed.

The first thing I learned was that I didn’t actually know myself very well. I thought I was a pretty self aware person, but I hadn’t paid close enough attention until then. It was hard to determine my type. I would often test as an Enneagram 1. That made sense, but I wasn’t convinced. I didn’t really identify with some of the key components and motivations. Plus, I actually I had a lot of Enneagram 2 tendencies.

So I spend some time really trying to understand myself. I wanted to unearth where my actions, thoughts and feelings were coming from. I never realized how much more there was to all of these things. There were underlying factors or motivations that I didn’t realize. It was often not easy to figure out. So I journaled about my past and I watched myself in the present.

For the first time, I realized that many of the things I was doing was determined by what people wanted or expected of me. This may sound like something I should have known, but I don’t think I did. Maybe I just never took the time. Maybe it was just so natural that I didn’t even think about it. Whatever the case, this was new information for me.

I was motivated by being liked and accepted. Things that just seemed to be a natural part of who I was, were actually me trying to please others and gain approval or love. I already knew on some level that I was a people pleaser (see above), but I thought it was about them. I thought I was just going through life trying to think of others first and make people happy. I thought I was just being a good person.

Don’t get me wrong, it is important to me to not be selfish and to put others first. Many times I am truly trying to do for others or make them happy. But I realized that there was also a selfish layer to this.

While I am very interested in pleasing, helping and doing for others, there is this element of my identity being wrapped up in it. It is so wrapped up in it that I wasn’t even seeing it. I didn’t know that I was trying to earn love and acceptance. It wasn’t just that I wanted people to be happy. I wanted people to be happy so that I could feel valued. On some level, my kindness and people pleasing was an effort to hang on to them and also feel good about myself.

As I explored this, I basically ruled out that I was an Enneagram 1. I concentrated more on determining if I was an Enneagram 2. Through more self reflection and soul searching, I came to realize that I might actually be an Enneagram 3. Enneagram 2s and 3s do have a lot of similarities. Finding the differences between the two isn’t always easy. I certainly didn’t look like a typical 3, but my biggest fears… MISTAKES and FAILURE.

I dug deeper and although it appeared it was about being loved, that wasn’t actually it. There was more to it. My actions or inactions were in an effort to be admired. That always sounded a little funny to me. I don’t actually wonder if people admire me or not. But you know what I do want and think about? What people think of me. Do people think highly of me? Have I done something to lower people’s opinion of me? It is so engrained it me that I still don’t always understand the extent of it. It is so subconscious (unconscious?) that I don’t always even know that I am doing it.

My world is so controlled by external motivations. Sometimes these are real expectations and somethings they are just ones I perceive. I am either trying to keep people thinking highly of me or figure out how to improve what people already think of me. And above all else, I don’t want to do anything that would make people think less of me. Again, most of this is not something I consciously think about. But if you knew all the thoughts that went through my head and how many of my actions were based on people’s perception of me, you would be shocked.

This is where my value comes from. What value do I have if I am not pleasing others, doing what people want and expect of me and/or exceling? Where is my value if not in what I do?

Who I am is not enough. It isn’t enough just to be me. I have to do something or be something that brings value to others. I have a rock on my desk from a women’s retreat that just says “enough.” I keep it on my desk, hoping to remind myself that I am enough. Sometimes I believe it. Although I often feel as though I (or my actions) are not enough. It always seems like I could be doing something more or better.

So that summer of 2018, the Enneagram grabbed my intention and took me on this crazy journey. I am confident that I am an Enneagram 3. I have learned a lot about the Enneagram and I truly enjoy it. A conversation or a deep dive into the Enneagram ignites a passion inside of me.

The Enneagram taught me a lot about myself. However, the biggest changes in my personal growth were due to Brené Brown. I know that I had to learn more about myself before her work could really affect me. I had to be willing and able to face the truth about myself.

In July of 2020, the slowest and most boring summer ever, I picked up Rising Strong. I had listened to some of her work before, but I hadn’t read any of her books. I had listened to podcasts, Ted Talks and other audio recordings. But for whatever reason, I finally decided to dive in.

In the last 9 months I read Rising Strong (twice), Daring Greatly (twice), The Gifts of Imperfection, Braving the Wilderness, Dare to Lead and about half of I Thought It Was Just Me. I read some other books (or partial books) as well, but nothing has left a mark quite like Brené Brown.

Before I read those, I would have told you that I was not a perfectionist. I don’t need things to be perfect. There are many things in my life that are not. I do value excellence, but not perfection. But then I realized, there is one thing that I do need to be perfect. ME. I know. I know. I am nowhere close to perfect. But without even realizing it or trying, I am constantly aiming for perfection. Somewhere along the the line, I learned, picked up or assumed that to be accepted and admired (or even liked), I had to be perfect. I had to excel. I couldn’t make mistakes. My life is ruled by the word “should.”

I realized that my whole life was filled with trying to perform, perfect, please and prove. Seeing and admitting this was part of the battle. Although I have made progress in some areas, I am still uncovering areas of my life where this is still very evident.

My people pleasing is deeper than what I can do for others. It is also about who I can be. If I am good or do good, people will think highly of me. I won’t disappoint them. They will be pleased. They will love and accept me. Maybe then I will be enough.

These are the thoughts processes that I am trying to overcome. Brené’s books and research have changed my life and I know it is just the beginning. I’ve learned a lot about shame (that I never thought I had), vulnerability (that I didn’t realize I was so afraid of), love, belonging, courage and authenticity.

I am starting to reread both Braving the Wilderness and The Gifts of Imperfection. I plan to write about them both this time around. I know I have so much more work to do. I want to teach Emily what I am learning because I don’t want her to have to learn it in her 40’s like I am. I can’t imagine what would be different had I know this as a young adult. (Hence why I do truly believe every one should read these books.)

I was listening to another audio of Brené’s a couple of weeks ago and I realized that true growth for me means that you will see more of my mistakes or short comings. I spend my life trying to cover these up or hope you don’t notice. I do my best to please others to gain approval. I always wonder what I should do or be.

But to truly be my most authentic self, I can’t do any of that. I have to let things go. I have to figure out who I am outside of people pleasing and perfectionism. Therefore, I might look different to you. I might do things you don’t understand. You might not agree with all of my choices. You might see me make mistakes. You might see me fail.

Honestly, that is beyond terrifying to me, but I know that is what I have to do. I have to let go of what people think of me, what I should do or be and all of these real or perceived expectations placed on me. I have to learn how to be enough without worrying about expectations.

It won’t be easy and and it won’t happen quickly, but it is my journey.

Final Thoughts: Some days I make progress with people pleasing and perfectionism. Some days it takes me 3 days of editing to write a blog post and a painstaking long time to come up with a title.

All Politics is Personal

I didn’t grow up in a political home. Politics wasn’t something that was discussed much at all really. But somehow I knew that my family (or at least my mom) voted Republican. I didn’t grow up in a Christian or conservative home so it had nothing to do with religion. I actually have no idea what it had to do with. We seemed to be fans of Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush. I only really know this because for the 1992 presidential election we voted in school and I voted for Bush. Clinton won at our school and in real life. I don’t think I knew much of anything about politics that day when I voted for Bush (at school). Maybe my memory doesn’t serve me correctly, but I am pretty sure I voted for Bush because of my family’s influence.

A couple years later, when I registered to vote, I didn’t want to be a Republican or a Democrat. I registered as an Independent. I didn’t want to vote for someone because of their political party. I wanted to vote for whom I thought would do the best job and/or who was best for our county. I didn’t feel that either side was exclusively right or exclusively wrong. I couldn’t tell you which side I would have lined up with more at that time, but I knew I wasn’t going to vote for someone based on the letter by their name and I wasn’t going to vote for someone based on one issue.

I don’t remember the 1996 election other than I am certain I didn’t vote for Clinton. I voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004. I voted for Barack Obama in 2008 and 2012.

As the 2012 election was approaching, I didn’t talk about it much at all. It had been 3 years since I returned to church. I was heavily involved and growing in my faith. I was learning more about what it meant to live like Jesus. What seemed strange to me was that it seemed like everywhere I turned, I heard that Christians were Republicans. Christian culture seemed to be saying that Jesus would have been a Republican. I saw and heard this message both implicitly and explicitly.

This didn’t make sense to me for a few reasons. For one, from where I was sitting, the Democrats had several policies that seemed to be rooted in helping and supporting others. These were policies that I felt that Jesus would be in favor of. Secondly, both sides had policies that did support my Christian values and both sides had ones that did not. I just could not understand how people could look at both political parties and determine that Christians HAD to fall in line with Republicans. Plus, I have similarities and differences with other Christians. If I don’t see everything else the same, so why would my political affiliation have to be the same? I don’t even 100% agree with my best friends, my family or my husband. How in the world would I expect that political strangers were going to come up with policies that I would totally be in favor of? I realized that it could not be an all or nothing type of thing for me.

It wasn’t just on a large scale I heard this. When people I knew were in conversation, it led me believe that I would not belong if I spoke of my support of a democratic candidate. To me that subject was off limits, so I just remained silent.

It was very shaming. Even though I was with people that I was close to and called my friends, I said nothing of my political opinions or beliefs because it wasn’t safe. I am not even sure I considered myself a Democrat as my preference was still to be an Independent. What I did know was that I was voting for and supporting Obama. What I also knew was that it was very lonely and felt very judgmental. I was following a Jesus that was about love and acceptance of all. Yet, I didn’t see Christians accepting those that would call themselves Democrats. Nowhere do I see anything that says that I need to be of a certain political party to be a follower of Jesus. I don’t know why modern American Christianity has decided that you have to fall under this political platform to love Jesus. I didn’t have the courage to speak up. I didn’t think that I would be accepted if my true feelings were known. I was the same person whether they knew or if I spoke of my support of Obama, but I didn’t feel that I would be looked at the same. I didn’t want to be talked about behind my back. So I was silent.

Although I didn’t have the courage to speak up, I did have enough strength in my beliefs that I didn’t allow this flawed thought process to determine my convictions. Although not the subject of this post, I thought it important to point out that one of the things that I know that helped me to get to the place I am today is that I did have a Christian friend that allowed me to be me. This was politically and in other areas. Although I felt a lot of shame (but didn’t know it at the time), my friendship with her gave me strength and allowed me to feel accepted in a world that was making me feel that I didn’t belong. I am not sure who I would be today if she didn’t show me that I could be real with her, even when we didn’t see things the same way.

Thankfully, I am stronger now. It is still hard to speak up. I don’t hold any ill will for anyone that contributed to the feeling that I needed to be silent because I know that being silent was my choice. It wasn’t intentional towards me. They didn’t know that I didn’t agree with their blanket statements or see things they way that they did. They didn’t know the words they were saying were hurting me or causing me shame. It goes to show that words matter. Getting to know people matter. You never know what you might say that is hurtful or shame inducing to those around you. I wasn’t strong enough to be vulnerable and share my views so they didn’t have a chance to consider something different. I don’t know what would have happen if I did. I am more secure in who I am now. I hope that people like me for who I am, and not who I vote for or what policy I agree with. I need to be true to myself. If being true to myself drives people away or creates judgment about the type of person I am, than they haven’t earned the right to truly know me anyway.

I tell you this, because I want Christians to know that Jesus doesn’t care about your political affiliation. He cares about your heart. You don’t have to be on a certain side of the aisle to follow Jesus. He loves and accepts you either way. If people or culture are telling you that you can’t support a democratic candidate or party and follow Jesus, they are wrong.

If this surprises you or you are appalled that I would think this way or support Democrats, I just want you to remember, I am the same person I was before you read this. If you know me and you are reading this, I am guessing that you like me, think I am a good person or at least have some qualities that you like. That is all still true.

I am not now nor have I ever been very political. I know how I feel about certain issues. There are some issues that I don’t have a strong feeling about either way. There are probably even some issues, that I can’t say that what I think or believe is necessarily the best political policy, but it makes sense to me as a human. I don’t always speak up or talk politics because I don’t know the ins and outs and I don’t feel competent enough to have a discussion outside of what I think or feel. I don’t have the information to back it up.

What I do care about is the fair treatment and care of all people. Fair treatment and care for all humans encapsulate some of the reasons that Donald Trump will not get my vote. From the beginning, I believe Donald Trump has operated from a hateful and divisive place. Although, not needing to be perfect, our leaders need to be role models. There has been far too much dehumanization, corruption and deceit in the Trump campaign and not nearly enough unity and compassion. I will use my vote to speak out against it. I think lack of humanity may be the greatest threat to our nation. By no means do I think the dehumanization started with Donald Trump nor do I think it will stop once he is out of office. But I need better from our leaders. If we continue to allow that kind of behavior it will continue to spread throughout all of humanity. This is something that I cannot accept.

Originally, I planned to continue this post and talk about polarization and dehumanization. However, I didn’t want to make this post too long. I hope you will continue by reading my next post We Agree About Nothing.

We Agree About Nothing.

There are a lot of political issues that I am not passionate about. I am not passionate about politics in general. What I am passionate about is the fair treatment of all humans. I believe we have some cultural and systemic issues regarding race, poverty and education that are the root of so many of our issues. I believe that we should all be working together to take care of each other and try to create an equitable chance for all humans.

To me this comes down to two main things: Polarization and Dehumanization.

Polarization

We have politicized EVERYTHING. It seems like these days you can tell what side of the aisle someone is on just based on how they feel about something. I am sure that was always true about some issues, but lately it feels true about everything. I am waiting to hear that I can’t shop at Kohls unless I want to be part of a certain political affiliation. There are always things you expect to be this way but not seemingly everything.

There used to be certain key issues that would be party related. That makes sense to me. Some issues are clearly a Republican or Democratic issue. But everything, or even most things, should not be this way. There are many issues that should not be political, but for some reason they are now. It feels like we are all trying to join a fraternity or sorority or something else exclusive that requires a lot of sacrifice. We are just waiting for the leaders to determine our every move. It feels as though when we hear about Covid, masks, protests, Black Lives Matter, systemic racism, climate change, equality, tax cuts, etc., we have to decide to support or oppose these concepts based on our political affiliation. This should not be the case. I remember a time when I barely thought about politics, and now I can’t avoid it.

It seems as though people are afraid to have an opinion or believe in something that is contradictory to their political party. Which political party I support does not dictate how I feel on every issue. We all have family, friends and other people we are connected to that we do not see eye to eye with. We continue to have relationships with these people. As we should. So if I can have relationships with people that differ from me, why would I feel that everything I believe has to fall in line with my political party.

It is almost though people are afraid to have their own thoughts so they just adopt the thoughts of a politician or someone else they know that supports that political party. As a culture, we have lost the ability to think for ourselves. We each must do our own critical thinking. We should be using this critical thinking to determine what is true, rather than basing it off of what someone else says. We should also be using it determine how we feel and what we think.

I don’t know why every issue cannot have credibility unless it is brought up by the candidate or party that we support. We should be taking each issue, learning about it and putting it up against our own intelligence, thought process, beliefs, morals and values to determine how we feel about it. Maybe if we each did this we would not be so divided.

God created us to have free will. He chose not to make all of our decisions for us. I can’t imagine, He would give that up so that politicians could do it for us instead.

I mentioned in my last post that I wanted to remain an Independent and this is why. I want to use critical thinking and my own values to determine how I feel and what I think about something. I don’t want to feel the need to feel a certain way because my political party believes something. I don’t know why we have given them so much power.

We each have our own moral compass and values. For some of us that is rooted in faith and for some of us it is not. We should be looking to these morals and values to determine how we feel about something. However, we tend to look toward our political affiliation instead. We aren’t measuring how we feel about something against our beliefs and values but we allow our political party to dictate how we feel about something. Why are we giving them so much power? Why are allowing politicians, which are known to not be a group that is known for their integrity to determine how we feel about something. Why is a political party our new moral compass?

Dehumanization

Not only have we seemed to make everything political and stop thinking for ourselves, but we have stopped treating people with kindness and respect. We have forgotten what we have in common and only concentrate on our differences. We have removed humanity from how we operate. People don’t think twice about shaming people based on their political party (among other things). They speak of “Democrats” or “Republicans” in such harsh terms that they seem to forget that these people are humans. They have souls. They have minds. They have hearts. I think one of the reasons it is so easy to be cruel to others in this way is because we have dehumanized them. You probably wouldn’t go up to your friend of a different political affiliation and name call. But you might make a blanket statement about Democrats or Republicans.

I recently learned about this while reading “Braving the Wilderness” by Brene Brown (which I highly recommend reading). In her book she quotes Michelle Maiese who defines dehumanization as “the psychological process of demonizing the enemy, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment.” Brene goes on to say, “Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image. As we take sides, lose trust, and get angrier and angrier, we not only solidify an idea of our enemy, but also start to lose our ability to listen, communicate, and practice even a modicum of empathy. Once we see people on “the other side” of a conflict as morally inferior and even dangerous, the conflict starts being framed as good versus evil. She again quotes Maiese who writes: “Once the parties have framed the conflict in this way, their positions become more rigid. In some cases, zero-sum thinking develops as parties come to believe that they must either secure their own victory or face defeat. New goals to punish or destroy the opponent arise, and in some cases more militant leadership comes into power.”

Brene (by way of Maiese) explains that dehumanization is a process in which we become accepting of violations against human nature and the human spirit. We typically believe that people’s human rights should not be violated however once we have dehumanized we create moral exclusion. People that are targeted by their gender, skin color, ethnicity, age (and so on) are depicted as “less than,” criminal or evil. Eventually these people fall out of who is protected by our moral code.

Brene goes on to say , “I know it’s hard to believe that we ourselves could ever get to a place where we would exclude people from equal moral treatment, from our basic moral values, but we’re fighting biology here. We’re hardwired to believe what we see and to attach meaning to the words we hear. We can’t pretend that every citizen who participated in or was a bystander to human atrocities was a violent psychopath. That’s not possible, it’s not true, and it misses the point. The point is that we are all vulnerable to the slow and insidious practice of dehumanizing, therefore we are all responsible for recognizing it and stopping it.

…When we engage in dehumanizing rhetoric or promote dehumanizing
images, we diminish our own humanity in the process. When we reduce Muslim
people to terrorists or Mexicans to “illegals” or police officers to pigs, it says
nothing at all about the people we’re attacking. It does, however, say volumes
about who we are and the degree to which we’re operating in our integrity.
Dehumanizing and holding people accountable are mutually exclusive.
Humiliation and dehumanizing are not accountability or social justice tools,
they’re emotional off-loading at best, emotional self-indulgence at worst. And if our faith asks us to find the face of God in everyone we meet, that should
include the politicians, media, and strangers on Twitter with whom we most
violently disagree. When we desecrate their divinity, we desecrate our own, and
we betray our faith.

Challenging ourselves to live by higher standards requires constant
diligence and awareness. We’re so saturated by these words and images, we’re
close to normalizing moral exceptions. In addition to diligence and awareness,
we need courage. Dehumanizing works because people who speak out against
what are often sophisticated enemy image campaigns—or people who fight to
make sure that all of us are morally included and extended basic human rights
often face harsh consequences.“

There are plenty of examples of both sides of the aisle using name calling and hateful or insulting speech. We should be offended by memes and offensive comments from either side. If we aren’t, then we are dehumanizing people. We should never tolerate this. We may not agree with someone’s politics or policies but that does not mean we need to be reduced to dehumanizing people. In fact we should be speaking out against it.

I was listening to a webinar from Brene Brown last week and she addressed dehumanization, specifically in politics. She made three points.

*It is hard to hate people close up. See people and respect their humanity.

*Silence about hatefulness makes us complicit. We need to speak up about dehumanization.

*Listen with an unarmed ego. We aren’t here to be right, we are here to get it right. Be willing to listen and learn.

Neither of these concepts are new, but they are getting worse, not better. I believe humanity is in danger. We need unity. We need big changes to systemic problems that aren’t going away and will take a lot of work and courage to change. We need to stop making enemies out of each other. We need to join forces to combat these problems together. We need to stand up and fight against the continued (and worsening) polarization and dehumanization.

Let’s Talk about the Enneagram

I’ve shared many times how important the Enneagram has been to my life and my personal growth the past couple of years. I decided to start writing more in depth about it. In this post I tell you a little more about the Enneagram, why it is more than a personality test, where to start to find your type and how triads and stances can help you narrow it down after you take the test.

The first few times that I ran across the Enneagram, I took a test, read the results and moved on. But in 2018, I decided to dive in deeper. This left me no choice, but to examine myself. I had to try to figure out not only WHAT I do, but WHY. After all, that is really what the Enneagram is about – why you do what you do. On the surface that might sound easy. IT IS NOT! Maybe it was just me, but it really took some soul searching to really determine why I do what I do (and I am still learning). There was almost always something below the surface that I needed to dig into.

So what is the Enneagram and why does it matter?

The Enneagram is a tool for self discovery and personal growth. Beyond that, I believe it is a very usefull tool in managing the relationships in your life. As you learn it, you will know yourself better, hopefully move towards being more of your true self and learn about the motivations of those around you. Learning the Enneagram should give you more grace and understanding which you should use on others AND yourself!

I also believe that the Enneagram is a helpful tool for spiritual growth. Taking the time to learn more about yourself, why you do what you do and learning more about the true self that has been covered up, will in turn help you be closer to the person that God created you to be and help you grow closer to Him. The Enneagram is a tool, but transformation comes from the Gospel.

Simply put, Enneagram means 9 sided diagram. The Enneagram is a personality assessment with 9 core types.

There are 9 ways of seeing the world. We may experience similar situations but we don’t see them the same. We may do similar things but chances are we have different reasons for doing them. (i.e. cleaning your house). Once we realize this, people start to make a little more sense and we have an easier time being empathetic and understanding. We realize people aren’t doing XYZ because they don’t care or are lazy or selfish, but because they see the world differently. (Side note: from my recent reading of Brene Brown, being able to have different perspectives is also how we foster empathy.)

We each have different fears and desires that motivate us to do what we do.
One popular author and Enneagram coach, Beth McCord, explains it like having 9 shades of sunglasses. When we look through the different shades (blue/purple/green) the world looks a little different to each of us.

In the book The Sacred Enneagram, the author, Chris Heuertz says “…it exposes the nine ways we lie to ourselves about who we think we are, nine ways we can come clean about those illusions and nine ways we can find ourselves back to
God”

Ian Cron, in his book, The Road Back to You, says “…As little kids we instinctually place a mask called personality over part of our authentic self to protect us from harm and make our way in the world. Made up of innate qualities, coping strategies, conditioned reflexes and defense mechanisms, among lots of other things, our personality helps us know and do what we sense is required to please our parents, to fit in and relate well to our friends, to satisfy the expectations of our culture and to get our basic needs met.”

We are born into our true self and everything we encounter (as children) instinctively masks our true self with personality to protect us from harm and make our way in the world. How we mask ourselves or the personality we put on is dependent on how we perceive what is being said and done to us. It is not an intentional harm or wound, it is just what we decided we needed to do to make our way in the world.

Some other Enneagram tidbits:

*Your Enneagram number does not change. There are different theories on whether you are born with it or if it is learned. Based on what I have learned and read, I believe you are born with it, but your circumstance may determine how it plays out. You react to life dependent on your Enneagram number, but your circumstances don’t determine your number. Which is also why your number doesn’t change. You can’t change the way you see the world, but you can change what you do with it.

*People that share the same Enneagram number will look different. Think of it this way: If you decide to paint your kitchen green, you have a lot of choices of different greens at the paint store. Just like there are a lot of shades of each color, the same Enneagram number can look quite different.

*All numbers are created equal. They are all equally good and/or bad. Some may sound better but they aren’t. Also, when reading about the Enneagram, you may hear more negative than positive. That is simply because people relate more to what they see wrong than what they see right.

*The Enneagram isn’t meant to be used as a weapon against one another or as an excuse for behavior. It is meant to point your towards personal growth.

*Each Enneagram number has levels of growth. Most of us spend most of our time in average space, moving quite frequently (potentially all day long) from average to healthy and sometimes down to unhealthy. Most Enneagram material you will read will be aimed toward the average space. Someone that is healthy or unhealthy will look a little different. When we are aligned more with the Gospel we will see ourselves living in more of the healthy space but when we try to do things on our own we live more in the average space.

Finding Your Enneagram Number

So, how do you find out your Enneagram number? Most people start with a test. Know that the tests are a decent place to start but they are only about 60% (or less) accurate. Since the Enneagram is about motivation – WHY you do what you do and not WHAT you do, the tests can only go so far.

Here are a few of the tests that I have recommended, but the one I recommend the most is the first one, from Your Enneagram Coach, Beth McCord.

Your Enneagram Coach Assessment

True Self Enneagram Test

Truity Enneagram Personality Test

Eclectic Energies Enneagram Tests

Once you get your results, take a look at the top 3-5 and not just the top one. As I mentioned, tests aren’t overly accurate, but they can be a good starting place. My real advice is to read a book. The book I always recommend first is The Road Back to You by Ian Cron. As your read you will be able to eliminate some of them pretty easily. For instance, although I wrested with 1, 2 and 3 for awhile, I knew pretty quickly that I was not a 4 or a 7. Podcasts can also be very helpful. When you hear other people talk about what it is like to be a certain number, it can really help you decide if that is something that you can relate to or not.

Enneagram Triads and Stances

Sometimes taking a test or even reading about the types can still leave you unsure. Figuring out your Enneagram number can sometimes takes months depending on how well you know yourself. Sometimes people have to start watching themselves, asking themselves questions and really paying attention to why they do something. There are a couple of other useful tools to help you narrow down or determine your Enneagram number. They are Triads and Stances. Triads and Stances refer to your intelligence centers. The intelligence centers are: Feeling, Thinking and Doing.

The Triads describe how you habitually take in, process and respond to everything you experience. They are the heart, head and gut triads. We all have access to all 3, but one is dominant and one is repressed. The third, supports our dominant center. When we first encounter something our first response determines our triad. We respond first with one of the following: what do I feel, what do I think or what am I going to do. This response determines your dominant intelligence center.

The Heart Triad is numbers 2, 3 and 4, which is also known as the Shame Triad. These types take in information from the word primarily through emotional and relational contexts. They are relationship oriented, perceive the world through feelings and emotional intelligence, relate to others emotionally, and are sensitive to the feelings and reactions of others. Their primary emotion is shame and their primary need is esteem and affection.

The Head Triad is numbers 5, 6 and 7, which is also known as the Fear Triad. These types take in information from the world primarily through rational cognition. They rely on mental faculties, gather information, generate ideas, plan, mentally process and use rational analysis. Their primary emotion is fear and their primary need is security and survival.

The Gut Triad is numbers 8, 9 and 1, which is also known as the Anger Triad. These types take in information from the world primarily through sensation and bodily experiences. They are movement oriented, lead with a gut instinct, take action or inaction and control their own environment. Their primary emotion is anger (usually from guilt) and their primary need is power and control.

Stances describe how we move through the world as well as our orientation to time. Stances are how we relate to one another. The triads (above) refer to what intelligence center is dominant, but stances refer to what is repressed.

Enneagram 1s, 2s and 6s are in the the dependent or compliant stance. They move towards people looking outside of themselves for what they need. They are others oriented. They tend to compare themselves to others. They also may not rethink or reconsider beliefs they had while growing up. Their orientation to time is the present. They look at what is immediately in front of them and live in the moment. They tend to neglect the future. Those in the dependent stance are “thinking repressed.” This means they have difficulty thinking in a productive way. They think a lot, but they get stuck in unproductive thinking or overthinking.

Enneagram 3s, 7s and 8s are in the aggressive (or assertive) stance. They move against (or stand independently from) people, facing challenges head on and going after what they need. They tend to carry a strong presence. They tend to be results oriented. Their orientation to time is the future. They are always looking to the future for what is next. They tend to neglect the past orientations to time and are prone to make rash decisions and repeat mistakes. They don’t take much time to reflect on the past, especially how they felt. They are “feeling repressed” and tend to stay busy to avoid feeling. They have trouble feeling in a productive or meaningful way. They tend to feel restricted by emotions.

Enneagram 4s, 5s and 9s are in the withdrawing stance. They move away from people and disengage. They believe they will find what they need within themselves. They take time to process before acting. They tend to be deliberate decision makers. They may withdraw into their imagination or their inner space. Their orientation to time is the past. They can be known to dwell on the past. They reference the past for how to think now. They tend to neglect the present. They are “doing repressed” and have trouble taking action in a productive way. They can either not get much done, or have a hard time prioritizing and therefore end up doing things just to keep busy and avoid what really needs done.

You may have notice that 3s, 6s and 9s are both dominant and repressed in the same intelligence center. Their stance tells you what they do with the information they take in (feel, think or do) but they don’t use this method to process. For instance, as a 3, I take in information with feelings, but then I push the feelings away because I can think they get in the way of productivity.

A note about Enneagram and children. I caution you in trying to type your kids. The reason for that is that is really difficult to know the “why” behind your child’s behavior and you don’t want to end up parenting them into a box. After about the age of 5 you can start seeing tendencies show up. This is where the stances may help. You may be able to identify which stance your child is in. This may help you parent them better. For instance if you have a withdrawing stance child, it is not helpful to rush them into making decisions, never let them have alone time, or put them in overly social or stimulating situation where all they want to do is withdraw. I am fairly certain that my daughter is in the aggressive stance and is future oriented. I honor this by helping her make plans and by not keeping our future plans from her.

Just Mercy – Part 1

Our Broken System

Last month I watched the movie Just Mercy. I think that saying I was moved goes without saying. I am not sure how you could watch it and not be moved. If you haven’t seen it or read the book, I highly recommend it.

Even before I watched it, I knew I also wanted to read the book. I was able to get Just Mercy adopted for young adults from the library. I haven’t read the original book, but I believe the main different is some of the details are left out of the young adult version.

I am generally more moved by a movie than a book. I think I can just get more emotionally invested when I see it. But I am thankful that I did both.

The movie is mostly about the true story of Walter McMillian who was wrongly accused of murder and the work of Bryan Stevenson (a young attorney) and the Equal Justice Initiative to secure his freedom. I am not going to write much about the details of that particular case because I want you to watch the movie. The book covers a lot of other cases that aren’t in the movie and has a lot more information and stats about how flawed our justice system is.

The book describes how our justice system negatively and disproportionately affects people of color, the poor, children and women. Because I have so much to say, I am actually writing this in four parts. This post will mostly be about some general issues with our justice and prison system. In the other three parts, I am going to talk specifically about how it affects children, women and racism in general. I will link to all of them at the end of this post. A lot of the information is from the book, which is often identified by quotes and italics. All of the quotes are taken from the book. I wanted you to know where I received the information and stats. I have also sprinkled in my own thoughts.

I was really bothered by the reality, information and description of things that have happened and that I know continue to happen. It breaks my heart that our justice system is so flawed. I am so thankful for people like Bryan Stevenson and the EJI. The lack of justice both saddens me deeply and also angers me. I found my self wishing I had become a lawyer and honestly wondering why I never considered it.

The justice system needs changed and I don’t pretend to know how to do it. It is deeply flawed and needs a total overhaul. I don’t know if we will see that happen, but I sure hope we do.

“Today we have the highest rate of incarceration in the world. In the early 1970s, the prison population was 300,000 people; currently it’s 2.3 million people. Nearly 6 million people are on probation or on parole. One in every fifteen people born in the United States in 2001 is expected to go to jail or prison; one in every three black male babies born in this century is expected to be incarcerated. To be clear, these numbers reflect who is being convicted and incarcerated, not who is necessarily committing crimes.

We have shot, hanged, gassed, electrocuted, and lethally injected hundreds of people in the name of the law. Thousands more await their execution in the second of prisons known as death row. We’ve sent a quarter million kids, some under the age of twelve, to adult jails and prisons. For years, we’ve been the only country in the world that condemns children to life imprisonment without parole.

We’ve created laws that make nonviolent offenses – like writing a bad check or committing a petty theft – result in life imprisonment. We have locked away people with substance abuse problems, with more than a half million people in state or federal prisons for drug offenses.

We’ve given up on rehabilitation, education, and services for the imprisoned because providing assistance to the incarcerated is apparently too kind and compassionate…

Finally, we spend lots of money on prisons, nearly $80 billion every year. To cover the cost, state governments have taken away funds from public services, education, health, and welfare. In fact private prison builders and prison service companies have paid millions of dollars to sate and local governments, trying to convince them to create new crimes, impose harsher sentences, and keep more people locked up so that they can increase profits. The privatization of mass incarceration is a moneymaker for a few and costly nightmare for the rest of us – and it has ruined efforts to improve public safety, reduce the cost of mass incarceration, and most significantly, promote rehabilitation of the incarcerated.”

It is sad to me that as a developed country that is supposed to be the end all be all place to live, that our answer to crime is almost always jail or prison. I can’t imagine this is the proper response in most situations. Why is that the thing we willing to do most of the time. We are we not focused on rehabilitation and helping find another way? I can’t imagine how much more crime and violence that the prison and justice system has caused. There is so much corruption within both systems.

The book addresses that not only are many of the injustices of our justice system aimed at people of color, but often the poor are unlikely to get fair or equal treatment. Your financial status will most likely determine whether you will be able to get fair treatment or attention.

“Many poor and minority victims, or victims who had family members who were incarcerated, noted that they were not getting calls or support from local police or prosecutors. If your family had lost a loved one to murder or had to suffer the anguish of rape or assault, your victimization might be ignored or taken less seriously. The expansion of victims’ rights ultimately made formal what had always been true: some victim are more protected and valued than others.”

The other area that our justice system does a poor job is for those with mental illness and those with cognitive or mental disabilities. I have always thought that many crimes are committed due to mental illness and what people really need is help and rehabilitation, not just punishment.

“Today, over 50 percent of prison and jail inmates in the United States have a diagnosed mental illness. In fact, there are more than three times the number of seriously mentally ill individuals in jail or prison than in hospitals; in some states that number is ten times. And prison is a terrible place for someone with mental illness or a neurological disorder that prison guards are not trained to understand.

Most prisons are overcrowded and don’t have the capacity to provide care or treatment for those with mental illness. Many people with disabilities aren’t able to comply with the rules of prison. Frustrated staff often subject them to abusive punishment or solitary confinement. Lawyers, prosecutors and judges do a poor job of recognizing mental illness or disabilities which lead to wrongful conviction, longer sentences and high rates of returning to prison.”

“Between 1990 and 2005, a new prison opened in the United States every ten days. Prison growth and the “prison-industrial complex” – the business interests that capitalized on prison construction – made imprisonment profitable. Incarceration became the answer to everything. Health care problems like drug additions? Poverty that led someone to write a bad check? Child behavioral disorders? Managing the mentally disabled? Undocumented immigration? The solution according to legislators was to send people to prison. Never before had so much lobbying money been spent to expand America’s prison population, block sentencing reforms, create new crime categories, and sustain the fear and anger that fuel mass incarceration than during the last twenty-five years in the United States.”

2011 was the first time in close to 40 years that the prison population did not increase. 2012 saw the first decline in prison population in decades.

Towards the end of the book Bryan talks about our brokenness. Sometimes we are broken by our own choices but other times by things out of control. He also stated that also our brokenness is the source of our common humanity. We all share a search for comfort, meaning and healing. He goes on to say that when we share vulnerability and imperfection it gives us capacity for compassion.

“We have a choice. We can embrace our humanness, which means embracing our broken natures and the compassion that remains our best hope for healing. Or we can deny our brokenness, deny compassion, and, as a result, deny our own humanity…”

and then while thinking of the people that would soon be executing one of his clients as well as those that may even cheer his death, he said…

“I realized they were broken people, too, even if they would never admit it. So many of us have become afraid and angry. We’ve become so fearful and vengeful that we’ve thrown away children, discarded the disable, and allowed the imprisonment of the sick and the weak – not because they are a threat to public safety or beyond rehabilitation, but because we think it makes us seem tough, less broken.

…Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done…If someone tells a lie, that person is not just a liar. If you take something that doesn’t belong to you, you are not just a thief. Even if you kill someone, you’re not just a killer.

...In fact, there is strength, a power even, in understanding brokenness. Embracing our brokenness creates a desire for mercy, and perhaps a need to show to others, too. When you experience mercy, you being to recognize the humanity that resides in each of us.

All of the sudden, I felt stronger, I began thinking about what would happen if we all just acknowledged our brokenness, if we owned up to our weaknesses, our shortcomings, our biases, our fears. Maybe if we did, we wouldn’t want to kill the broken among us that have killed others. Maybe we would look harder for solutions to caring for the disabled, the abused, the neglected, and the traumatized. If we acknowledge our brokenness, perhaps we would no longer take pride in mass incarceration, in executing people, in treating our most vulnerable peers with indifference.”

We are all broken but we don’t always like to admit it. And when we do admit it, are we just admitting it to make ourselves feel better about our own brokenness? We need to recognize that we are all broken to motivate us to have compassion and mercy for each other.

Bryan references a time when he spoke at a church about the women that was accused of adultery and brought to Jesus. This is a pretty well known parable so we know that Jesus said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Her accusers left and Jesus offered her forgiveness.

“But today, our self-righteousness, our fear, and our anger have caused us to hurl stones at the people who fall down, even when we know we should forgive or show compassion. I told the congregation that we simply can’t watch that happen. I told them we have to be stone-catchers.”

What a world this would be if we all were stone catchers for each other.

As I mentioned, a large part of the movie and even the book is about the challenge of securing freedom for the wrongly accused, Walter McMillian. When Bryan was finally able to obtain Walter’s freedom he said this to the judge.

“Your Honor, I just want to say this before we adjourn. It was far too easy to convict this wrongly accused man for murder and send him to death row for something he didn’t do and much too hard to win his freedom after proving his innocence. We have serious problems and important work that must be done in this state.”

I know that his release happened in the 1990’s, but please don’t think this isn’t still relevant today.

Between 1990 and 1992, Bryan Stevenson and EJI won reversals in death penalty cases for 16 prisoners! That is sixteen people that were on death row and almost lost their lives because of false convictions.

Bryan Stevenson and EJI have won relief for 100 (probably more now) death row prisoners in Alabama. Just Alabama! In 2013, Alabama recorded its lowest number of new death sentences since the mid 1970’s.

When I finished watching the movie, I thought to myself; how can we still have a death penalty? This isn’t the first time I had wondered this. But the thought of it made me ill. I don’t know how anyone could value life and also be a proponent of the death penalty. On top of that, there are so many cases of people being wrongly accused, imprisoned, sent to death row and executed. Some of those cases have been found in time and people’s lives have been spared, but how many have not been found?

I will end this post with this thought. Bryan said these words as he spoke at Walter’s funeral in 2013. These words spoke to me as much, if not more,than any other words in this book.

“I told the congregation that Walter’s case had taught me that the death penalty is not about whether people deserve to die for the crimes they commit. The real question of capital punishment in this country is Do we deserve to kill?

Part 2: Our broken system and children Part 3: Our broken system and women Part 4: Our broken system and racism

Just Mercy – Part 2

Our Broken System & Children

This is a continuation of my thoughts about the book and movie, Just Mercy. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to read Part 1 first.

The movie, if I remember correctly, doesn’t hit on any of these cases or how horribly our system treats children. Reading this book has definitely opened my eyes to how unfair our system is and how it contributes to children never really getting a fair shot. It is truly heart breaking.

I am sure I have been guilty of hearing about a horrific crime by a minor and wondering how a child could do something so terrible and also thinking they should be tried as an adult. I will no longer think this way. The way our society views and treats criminal juveniles is heart breaking. They need our help. Instead we put them in a situation where coming out and having anything but a life of crime is an incredible uphill battle.

The book tells the story of Trina. Trina was the youngest of 12 kids and lived in a the poorest section of Chester, Pennsylvania.

“Chester had extraordinarily high rates of poverty, crime and unemployment – and the worst ranked public school system among Pennsylvania’s 501 districts. Nearly 46 percent of the city’s children were living below the federal poverty level.”

Trina’s father was a violent and abusive alcoholic. Trina’s mom was sickly after bearing so many children and enduring all of the abuse by her husband. I won’t go into the details from the book but just know it was an AWFUL living situation. Trina showed signed of intellectual disabilities at a young age. Her mother died when she was nine.

Eventually, due to the sexual abuse at the hands of their father, Trina and two of her older sisters ran away. At one point they tried to stay with one of their older sisters, but her husband began to sexually abuse them. Trina had a lot of emotional and mental abuse problems and would sometimes get so ill she would end up in the hospital, but she was never allowed stay long enough to recover because of her lack of money.

One night, at the age of 14, she and a friend climbed through a window of a home to visit the two boys that lived there. Since it was dark, she lit a match to try to use the light to make way through the house and the house caught fire. The two boys that were sleeping died from smoke asphyxiation. She was accused of starting the fire intentionally.

She was so traumatized by the boys’ death that she was nonfunctional. Her appointed lawyer never filed the proper paperwork to show she was incompetent to stand trial or challenge the State’s decision to try her as an adult. She was tried for second-degree murder as an adult.

“Pennsylvania sentencing law was inflexible: the only sentence for those convicted of second-degree murder was mandatory life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.”

“Judge Reed, who presided over the case, expressed serious misgivings about the sentence he was enforced to impose, given Trina’s devastating life circumstances and the fact that she hadn’t intended to harm anyone.”

“This is the saddest case I’ve ever seen.”

Judge Reed – quoted in the book Just Mercy

“For a tragic crime committed at fourteen, Trina was condemned to die in prison. At the age of sixteen, Trina walked through the gates of the State Correctional Institution at Muncy, an adult prison for women, terrified, still suffering from trauma, and mental illness and intensely vulnerable – with the knowledge that she would never leave…Not long after she arrived at Muncy, a male correctional officer pulled her into a secluded area and raped her.”

They discovered the crime once she became pregnant, but as is often the case, the correctional officer was fired but not criminally prosecuted. She remained in prison and gave birth to a son while handcuffed to a bed.

“It wasn’t until 2008 that most states abandoned the practice of shackling or handcuffing incarcerated women during delivery.”

By the time Trina was 30 she was in a wheel chair with multiple sclerosis, intellectual disabilities and mental illness related to trauma.

“In 2014, Trina turned fifty-two. She has been in prison for thirty-eight years. She is one of nearly five hundred people in Pennsylvania who have been condemned to mandatory life imprisonment without parole for crimes they were accused of committing when they were between the ages of thirteen and seventeen. It is the largest population of child offenders condemned to die in prison in any single jurisdiction in the world.“

In another story a thirteen year old named Ian, who lived on the streets with no parental supervision, and his two friends attempted to rob a couple in Tampa, Florida. The person resisted and Ian shot her in the cheek. It shattered several teeth and severely damaged her jaw. All of the boys were arrested and charged with armed robbery and attempted homicide. Ian’s lawyer encouraged him to plead guilty and told him he would be sentenced to no more than 15 years. Ian followed the advice of the lawyer, but the lawyer wasn’t aware that two of the crimes were punishable by life in prison without parole. He was sent to an adult prison – Apalachee Correctional Institution – one of the toughest prisons in Florida.

“Juveniles housed in adult prisons are five times more likely to be the victim of sexual assault, so the staff at Apalachee put Ian, who was small for his age, in solitary confinement…Ian spent eighteen years in uninterrupted solitary confinement.”

Did you catch that? Eighteen years of solitary confinement!

Once a month, Ian was allowed to make a phone call. Not too long after he arrived in prison he used his phone call to reach out to his victim, Debbie. He apologized to her and she was moved by his call. They kept in contact. After several years, Debbie tried to get Ian’s sentence reduced. She felt it was too harsh. She talked to prison officials and gave interviews to the press but courts ignored her call for a reduced sentence.

“By 2010, Florida had sentenced more than a hundred children to life imprisonment without parole for non-homicide offenses. All of the youngest condemned children – thirteen or fourteen years of age – were black or Latino. Florida had the largest population in the wold of children condemned to die in prison for non-homicides.“

Antonio lived in South Central Los Angeles where he was plagued by gang violence. He was abused by his father and witnessed violent exchanges between his parents who threatened to kill each other. He was neglected by his depressed mother.

In 1999, a month after he turned 13, he was shot by a stranger while riding his bicycle. His fourteen year old brother, Jose, ran to his aid but was shot and killed. Antonio was hospitalized for weeks. He was sent to live in Las Vegas to try to recover with family. He was relieved to be able to put gang violence behind him. But within a year, California probation authorities ordered his return.

“He was on probation for a prior minor offense. In poor urban neighborhoods across the United States, black and brown boys are routinely targeted by the police. Even though many of these kids have done nothing wrong, they are stopped, presumed guilty, and suspected of being dangerous or engaged in criminal activity. The random stops, questioning, and harassment dramatically increase the risk of arrest for petty crimes. Many of these children develop criminal records for behavior that wealthier children engage in without consequences.“

Antonio went back to South Central but struggled. He ended up getting a gun for self-defense but was quickly arrested and sent to juvenile camp where it was reported that he responded well to structure and guidance.

But at age 14, while at a party, he was invited into a strange plan by men twice his age to fake a kidnapping to get money from the ransom. They insisted Antonio join them. But the plan went wrong and they ended up being chased by a van and the adults instructed Antonio to shoot at the van. The men chasing them were under cover officers. When they saw marked police officers, Antonio dropped the gun and they crashed into a tree. Antonio (and the driver) were charged with aggravated and attempted murder of a police officer.

Antonio and his 27 year old co defendant were tried together. They were found guilty. Antionio was sentenced to prison until death claiming he was a dangerous gang member who could never change or be rehabilitated, despite his difficult childhood and absence of any significant criminal history. He was sentenced to one of California’s most dangerous and overcrowded adult prisons. Antonio became the youngest person in the US condemned to die in prison for a crime in which no one was physically injured.

“In an earlier era, if you were thirteen or fourteen when you committed a crime, you would find yourself in the adult system with a lengthy sentence only if the crime was unusually high profile – or committed by a black or brown child against a white person in the South...

By the late 1980s and early 1990s, the politics of fear and anger sweeping the country and fueling mass incarceration was turning its attention to children. Influential criminologists predicted a new generation of “superpredators.” Sometimes expressly focusing on black and brown children, theorists suggested that America would soon be overcome by “elementary school youngsters who pack guns instead of lunches” and who “have absolutely no respect for human life.” Across the country, nearly every state created laws to allow children to be prosecuted as adults, thinking that the juvenile justice system wouldn’t be harsh enough. Many states lowered or eliminated the minimum age for trying children as adults, leaving children as young as eight vulnerable to adult prosecution and imprisonment.

Tens of thousands of kids who had previously been managed by the juvenile justice system, with is well-developed protections and requirements for children, were now thrown into an increasingly overcrowded, violent and desperate adult prison system.

The predictions of superpredators proved wildly inaccurate. The juvenile population in America increased from 1994 to 2000, but the juvenile crime rate declined, leading even the academics who had originally supported the superpredator theory to disclaim it. Of course, the admission came too late for kids like Trina, Ian and Antonio.”

In 1989, Joe Sullivan was a thirteen year old with mental disabilities who suffered from neglect and abuse by his father. Joe was convinced by two older boys to rob the home of an older women. The woman was also sexually assaulted which Joe adamantly denied being part of, but admitted to the burglary. There was a lack of evidence but he was still convicted as an adult and sentenced to life without parole.

The state destroyed the biological evidence that might have proved his innocence. By the time EJI was involved twenty years later, the victim and a co-defendant had died which made it hard to challenge the conviction. They decided to challenge the sentence instead as cruel and unusual punishment.

In 2005, the Supreme Court recognized that children and adults required different levels of punishment and the death penalty for juveniles was banned under the Eighth Amendment.

EJI wanted to challenge the idea that any child should receive a sentence of live without parole.

“In May, 2009, the Supreme Court agreed to review Joe Sullivan’s case and the case of Terrance Graham, a sixteen-year old from Jacksonville, Florida, who had also been convicted of a non-homicide and sentenced to life with no parole. It felt like a miracle. There was a possibility that the court might create constitutional relief for all children sentenced to die in prison. Here was a thrilling chance to change the rules across the country.“

The briefs they filed in the US Supreme Court were supported by the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, The American Bar Association and the American Medical Association as well former judges, social workers and civil and human rights groups.

In November 2009, Bryan Stevenson presented oral arguments to the US Supreme Court.

“During the argument, I told the court that the United States is the only country in the world that imposes sentences of life imprisonment without parole on children – a practice that violates international law. We showed the court that these sentences are disproportionately imposed on children of color. We argued that these harsh punishments were created for adult criminals and were never intended for children. I also told the court that to say to any child of thirteen that he is fit only to die in prison is cruel.“

Evan was a fourteen year old in Alabama sentenced to prison for life without parole. He is from a poor white family in North Alabama. He started attempting suicide when he was in elementary school. His parents had drug addictions and were abusive, therefore he was in and out of foster care.

One night a man came to buy drugs from his mom. Evan and his sixteen year old friend went to the man’s house to play cards. The man gave the teens drugs and alcohol. He also sent the boys out to buy more drugs. The boys tried to steal the man’s wallet after he passed out. The man woke up and and jumped on Evan. The other teen hit the man with a baseball bat. Both boys fought back and also set the his trailer on fire. The man died. Evan and the other teen were charged with capital murder. The friend made a deal to get a parole-eligible sentence but Evan received life in prison without parole.

Evan was sent to a maximum security adult prison. Shortly after he arrived, he was attacked by another prison and stabbed nine times. He recovered but was traumatized. He was also disturbed by his own violent crime and couldn’t understand how he could have done something so destructive.

“Most of the juvenile life cases we handled involved clients who shared Evan’s confusion about their adolescent behavior. Many had matured into adults who were much more thoughtful and reflective; they were now capable of making responsible and appropriate decisions. They had all changed in some significant way and were no nothing like the confused children who had committed a violent crime.“

On May 27, 2010, the US Supreme Court announced its decision that sentences of life imprisonment without parole for children convicted of non-homicidal crimes is cruel and unusable punishment and constitutionally impermissible.

In June of 2012, The Supreme Court agree to review Evan’s case and one of another EJI client from Arkansas. After that was heard there was a constitutional ban on mandatory life-without-parole sentences imposed on children convicted of homicides.

No child accused of any crime could automatically sentenced to die in prison.

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling, nearly 2000 people condemned to life to die in prison when they were children have been resentenced and have a chance to go home. Nearly 200 people previously sentenced to death in prison as juveniles have been released.

“We continued our work on issue involving children by pursing more cases. I believe that no child under the age of eighteen should be housed with adults in jails or prisons…I am also convinced that very young children should never be tried in adult court. No child of twelve, thirteen or fourteen can defend him or herself in the adult criminal justice system. Wrongful convictions and illegal trials involving young children are too common.“

Because of the changes in the laws by the supreme court and children being sentenced to life without parole, Joe and Ian were released after serving a few more years. Antonio’s judge in Orange County attempted to change his sentence to 175 years instead of life. Bryan had to go back appellate court to get that sentence reduced to something reasonable. Antonio has a chance to be released. Trina’s sentence was reduced and she is eligible to be released.

In other cases in Louisiana, Bryan was able to secure the release of Robert who spent 45 years in prison for a non-homicide crime when he was sixteen. He was the first person to be release because of the Supreme Court’s ban on death-in-prison sentences for juvenile lifers. Joshua, also from Louisiana, was granted release after serving fifty year in prison.

I know this his just one side of the equation. But it is so heart breaking what these children and so many others were put through. I am sure there are some flat out criminal children out there, but I would venture to guess that most juvenile criminals are coming from a not great place or are battling some mental health issues. They need our help not our condemnation.

Once again, I am so thankful to Bryan and EJI for battling for these kids and getting laws changed for future generations.

Part 3: Our broken system and women Part 4: Our broken system and racism

Just Mercy – Part 3

Our Broken System & Women

This is a continuation of my thoughts about the book and movie, Just Mercy. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to read Part 1 first.

There is only one case referenced in the book that is specific to women. But there are some sad statistics and information that I felt it was necessary to share. It is important to state that women of color or poor women are most likely to fall victim to our broken system.

Marsha and her husband Glen were a poor family full of love. They were living in a rural town in Alabama when Marsha, age forty-three and already a mother of six children, found out she was pregnant with her seventh child. She didn’t have the money to see a doctor. She went into extremely early labor in the bathtub and gave birth to a still born son. She tried to revive him but had no success. A neighbor noticed Marsha was no longer pregnant, nor had a new baby. She got the police involved. Marsha was arrested for capital murder. They convicted her of murder and she was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole and was headed to Julia Tutweiler Prison for Women.

“Women at Tutweiler were being raped, sexually harassed, exploited, and abused by male prison guards in countless ways. The male warden allowed the male guards entry into the showers during prison counts. Officers leered at the naked women and made crude comments and suggestive threats. Women had no privacy in the bathrooms, where male officers could watch them use the toilet. There were dark corners and hallways – terrifying spaces at Tutwiler where women could be beaten or sexually assaulted. EJI had asked the Department of Corrections to install security cameras in the dorms, but they refused. The culture of sexual violence was so pervasive that even the prison chaplain was sexually assaulting women when they came to the chapel.

…We started an investigation for which we interviewed over fifty women; we were truly shocked to see how widespread the problem of sexual violence had become. Several women had been raped and become pregnant. Even when DNA testing confirmed that male officers were the fathers of these children, very little was done about it. Sometimes, officers were temporarily reassigned to other duties or other prisons, only to wind up back at Tutwiler, where they continued to prey on inmates.”

EJI eventually filed a complaint with the US Department of Justice and released several public reports. Tutwiler made it onto the list of the top 10 worst prisons in America. Policy changes followed and male guards are now banned from showers areas and toilets and new wardens have taken over.

EJI took Marhsa’s cases to the supreme court and won a new trial. Finally in late 2012, Marsha’s conviction was overturned. She spent 10 years wrongfully imprisoned.

“In the United States, the number of women sent to prison increased 646 percent between 1980 and 2010. With close to two hundred thousand women in jails and prisons in American and over a million women under supervision or control of the crime justice system, the incarceration of women has reached record levels.

Most incarcerated women – nearly two-thirds – are in prison for nonviolent, low-level drug crimes or property crimes. Drug laws in particular have had a huge impact on the number of women sent to prison; so have “three strikes” laws, which seriously increase sentences for people who have previous convictions.“

When Marsha was arrested, there were five women on Alabama’s death row. All of them were condemned for unexplained deaths of their young children or the deaths of abusive spouses or boyfriends. Nationwide, most women on death row are due to a family crime involving alleged child abuse or domestic violence.

“The murder of a child by a parent is horrific and is usually complicated by serious mental illness. But these cases also tend to create distortions and bias. Police and prosecutors have been influenced by the media coverage, and presumption of guilt has now fallen on thousands of women – particularly poor women in difficult circumstances – whose children die unexpectedly. In a nation that spends more on health care than any other country in the world, the inability of many poor women to get adequate health care, including prenatal and postpartum care, has been a serious problem in this country for decades. The criminalization of infant mortality and the prosecution of poor women whose children die have taken on new dimensions in twenty-first century America, as prisons across the country began to bear witness.

…Approximately 75 to 80 percent of incarcerated women are mothers with minor children. Nearly 65 percent had minor children living with them at the time of their arrest – children who have become more vulnerable and at risk as a result of their mother’s incarceration and will remain so for the rest of their lives, even after their mothers come home.

In 1996, Congress passed legislation that needlessly included a provision that authorized states to ban people with drug convictions from public benefits and welfare. This misguided law greatly affects the lives of formerly incarcerated women with children, most of whom were imprisoned for drug crimes. These women and their children can no longer live in public housing, receive food stamps, or access basic services. In the last twenty years, we’ve created a new class of “untouchables” in American, made up of our most vulnerable mothers and children.“

Once again, many of these female criminals need our help not our condemnation. Many times children are deeply effected by how their mom is treated through this process. I am not saying criminals should not be prosecuted, but need to do better. We need to treat mental illness and we need to help women who are the victim of domestic abuse.

Part 2: Our broken system and children Part 4: Our broken system and racism

Just Mercy – Part 4

Our Broken System & Racism and Mass Incarceration

This is a continuation of my thoughts about the book and movie, Just Mercy. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to read Part 1 first.

Obviously there have been some issues of racism in the first 2 parts of my posts. I wanted to finish this up by hitting more on the racism aspect of our failed system.

“Consider the Supreme Court case of McCleskey v. Kemp, which presented convincing empirical evidence that the race of the victim is the great predictor of who gets the death penalty in the United States. The study conducted for that case revealed that offenders in Georgia were eleven times more likely to get the death penalty if the victim was white than if the victim was black. These findings were identical in ever other state where studies about race and the death penalty took place. In Alabama, even though 65 percent of all homicide victims were black, nearly 80 percent of the people on death row were for crimes against victims who were white. Black defendant and white victim pairings increased the likelihood of a death sentence even more.“

Towards the end of his book, Bryan says that he was able to launch a race and poverty initiative. He wanted to start a project to change the way we talk about racial history and how it affects today’s race issues. He said that “so much of our worst thinking about justice is steeped in the myths of racial indifference.” He goes on to say that he believes there are four institutions in American History that have shaped our approach to race and justice and that remain poorly understood.

The first and most obvious is slavery.

The second is the reign of terror against people of color that followed the collapse of Reconstruction through World War II.

“Older people of color in the South would occasionally come up to me after speeches to complain about how antagonized they feel when they hear news commentators talking about how 9/11 was the first act of domestic terrorism in America. The racial terrorism of lynching in many ways created the modern death penalty. America’s embrace of speedy execution was, in part, an attempt to redirect the violence of lynchings while assuring white Southerners that black men would still pay the ultimate price.

Another practice that is now well known to most Americans is convict leasing. Convict leasing was introduced at the end of the nineteenth century to criminalize former enslaved people and convict them of nonsensical offenses so that freed men, women and children could be “leased” to businesses and effectively forced back into slave labor. Private industries throughout the country made millions of dollars with free convict labor, while thousands of African Americans died in horrific work conditions.

Racial terror and the constant threat created by violently enforcing racial hierarchy were profoundly traumatizing for African Americans, creating all kinds of psycho social distortions and difficulties that still manifest themselves today.“

A third institution are Jim Crow laws which legalized racial segregation and suppression of basic rights that defined America from 1876 to 1965.

“It seems to me that we’ve been quick to celebrate the achievements of the civil rights movement and slow to recognize the lasting damage of marginalization and subordination done in that era.“

Bryan told a story of a Midwest judge that walked into a court room and assumed he was a client simply because he was black. He laughed it off to not disadvantage his client by speaking up but was disheartened saying…

“Of course innocent mistakes occur, but constantly being underestimated, suspected, accused, watched, doubted, distrusted, presumed guilty, and even feared is a burden borne by people of color that can’t be understood or confronted without a deeper conversation about our history of racial injustice.“

The fourth institution Bryan wrote about is mass incarceration.

“Going into any prison is deeply confusing if you know anything about the racial demographics of America. The extreme overrepresentation and disproportionate sentencing of racial minorities, the targeted prosecution of drug crimes in poor communities, the criminalization of new immigrants and undocumented people, the political consequences of disenfranchising black voters – essentially, denying black people the right to vote, and the barriers to reentering the world after incarceration can only be fully understood through the lens of racial history.”

So that sums up what I learned from one of most impactful and heartbreaking books I’ve ever read. I wish I had the answers. I wish I had the power and influence. The overhaul that our systems need seems so insurmountable. I hope reading this makes an impression and affects a change in your heart. That is what reading the book did for me.

Part 2: Our broken system and children Part 3: Our broken system and women

The Journey I Didn’t Know I Needed.

When I decided to start my blog again it was because I wanted a place to share my thoughts. Mostly this was for me. I wanted something to look back on. I also wanted a way to put in writing how I feel and what I think. I thought it would be good for the journey I am on.

I also hoped that what I felt and thought had value and was worthy of sharing. Maybe this isn’t just for me. Just like I didn’t set out looking for this journey, maybe my words words and experiences will take others on their own journey.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and pondering which has led to a lot of personal growth in the last couple of years. This wasn’t intentional or planned. I didn’t decide one day that I wanted to be more self-aware and that I had a lot of growing to do. I just stumbled on something and it peeked my interest and it took me on a journey. One I am still on.

So, how did it start? What prompted me to embark on this journey? The Enneagram. If you don’t know much about it, that might seem silly to you. A personality assessment started a journey of self-awareness and growth? Yep. That is why I am passionate about it and want everyone to know about it.

The Enneagram has been so instrumental in my personal growth. It is also a very useful tool for strengthening relationships. Not everything I have learned has been related to the Enneagram, but it is what got me started on digging deeper, soul searching and figuring out more about myself.

Since it’s been such a big part of my life, it makes sense that I would want to write about it. This won’t be my only post about the Enneagram, but I thought I would start by sharing that journey with you.

Side note: Can Enneagram please be added to the dictionary so my computer can stop telling me I have a misspelled word? How do I make that happen?

I digress. Back to my journey.

About 2 years ago I was reintroduced to the Enneagram. I had heard of it before, but I never read or thought very much about it. It was just interesting and fun. In the summer of 2018, it grabbed my attention enough that I decided to read The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron. I was hooked. I read more books, I listened to podcasts and I talked about it to anyone that would listen.

Looking back I can see how intentional it was. Intentional on God’s part, not mine. I had just started seeing a counselor. It seems to make sense that at a time in which I was sitting down to talk to someone about things that aren’t going well and how I might be able to cope with that or find ways to improve situations that I would also be ready to take a deeper look at who I was.

This also wasn’t the first time I was intrigued by a personality assessment. I have always been interested in those. I pretty much take them all. But this time was different. I was fascinated. I quickly realized that Enneagram wasn’t just about personality traits. It was deeper than that. Once I started learning about myself, I realized it was also going to be very useful in relationships, but more on that later.

As I learned more, I realized that I had to really try to figure out not only what I do, how I think and what I feel, but I had to figure out the why behind all of those things. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. As I mentioned, the Enneagram is different. It isn’t just about what you do. In fact, it really is about why you do what you do. What is your motivation? The characteristics and behaviors stem from the why.

I had already thought of myself as a fairly self-aware person but I realized I had only scratched the surface on that. Not only that, but some of the things I had thought about myself weren’t exactly true. I had to learn more about myself. It took some time and soul searching. I had to think about my childhood. I had to think about my behaviors and figure where they came from. I had to figure out what was the driving force behind the actions.

Spoiler Alert: Not all of it is good.

Actually, I am still learning. I am still figuring out things about myself. I still have to consider and question why I do what I do, feel or think. Many times these things are not obvious, even to ourselves.

In the first draft of this blog post, I went into detail about some of the things that I found out about myself. I dissected some thought patterns that I have and how it affects the way I think, feel and act. But it was too vulnerable and I’m not ready for that yet. I will get there, but it is too soon.

You see, one of the things I realized is how fearful I am of vulnerability, failure and what you think of me. I’m not ready to dive deep into that here.

I am sure that this journey has impacted how I have experienced life in the last couple of years. I can’t say how things would have been different. I just know they would have been. I don’t know if it is obvious to most, but I am a different person than I was two years ago.

So how does a personality assessment affect my relationships? It gives me more understanding in how people see the world. The Enneagram taught me that we all see the world differently. We may experience the same things, but we don’t experience it the same way. There are 9 ways of seeing the world hence 9 Enneagram types.

Beth McCord, commonly known as “Your Enneagram Coach” explains that it is like having 9 shades of sunglasses. Due to the color shading of each pair of glasses we see things a little differently. So here we are all seeing situations a little differently than each other. Then to add to that, we also process what we have seen differently than each other. We may first think: how do I feel, what do I think or what am I going to do about this. Depending on what we do first changes how we experience the world. When we see the world differently and also process it differently than someone else, you can see how we might not be experiencing life the same.

“We can’t change the way we see the world, but we can change what we do with it.” This is one of my favorite (paraphrased) quotes from Suzanne Stabile. Learning the Enneagram won’t change what you see, but you can improve your response and your understanding. It can give you more understanding as to how other’s see the world.

The Enneagram opened my eyes to a new understanding of how different we are. Sometimes we can’t understand how someone could possibly feel, think or act a certain way. The Enneagram makes some sense of it. It gives us a new perspective.

We all have our struggles. I am not going to lie, the Ennegram will highlight those. But when we share our struggles, get to know each other and start understanding each other better, we can have a little more compassion for how people are experiencing life. Because when we understand better we show more grace. After all, who doesn’t want to experience more grace and compassion? Who doesn’t want to be heard and understood?

Stay tuned for more specific Enneagram posts.

White Privilege and how learning more about it made me realize I have it.

I’ve only started considering and processing through my white privilege the last few years. I had heard about it before but I didn’t think it applied to me. I thought it was about those that lived a (financially) privileged life. Those that didn’t want for anything. Those that were entitled. Those that thought their privileged life made them better than other people. I thought white privilege meant that I believed I was better than people that were not white. These are not my thoughts. I don’t think being white makes me better than someone that is not white, so I thought it didn’t apply. I ignored it. I denied it.

I don’t know exactly when or why it happen but the talks regarding white privilege were more prevalent. I couldn’t tell you exactly what made me realize that it was more than what I had originally thought. But I can tell you that I started listening and learning. That is when I realized it isn’t just about how I feel or what I think. It isn’t even necessarily about my actions. It is about what life hands me because I am white. It is what I don’t have to do deal with because I am white. It is that my life is easier and comes with less fear, because I am white.

Here’s the thing, I don’t feel that privilege. I don’t feel like life is a breeze and I am just coasting through because I am lucky enough to be white. My life feels normal. This is what it should be like for everyone. I had to open my eyes to see and my ears to listen to realize that this life that feels normal for me is seen as a luxury for others.

I don’t have the fears or worries that the black community has to live with. There are so many things that I don’t even think about or consider. Things that never cross my mind! As a parent there is plenty to think about and even worry about while raising my children and watching them grow up. But as a white woman, there are so many things that I don’t have to think about or fear.

I have joked that I don’t get scared because I grew up in Akron. I was not sheltered from dangerous situations. There is diversity in Akron. Once I entered middle school that diversity was obvious.

I knew racism existed. I learned about past racism in history class. I vaguely remember adults talking about black people moving into “white neighborhoods” during my youth. I saw prejudice and racism in my own family. I will never forget the day my grandma stopped watching General Hospital because a white man married a black woman. My family took in a friend of mine when her dad did not behave kindly to her dating a black guy during her freshman year of college. Although years later when a member of our family was dating a black guy, it wasn’t well received by everyone. I witnessed people’s words and attitudes at school and in my community. I heard comments that were degrading or judgmental based on people’s skin color. I saw prejudice, but I didn’t witness the cruelty of racism. I didn’t see white people being out right cruel and hateful towards black people.

Or did I? Did I see it but ignore it? I didn’t understand the depths of what black people were already living with let alone how those comments, looks or judgment were adding on to that. I lacked understanding. I lacked education. I wasn’t really paying attention. I never understood the depths of it. Because of all of this, I dismissed it. I didn’t allow racism to touch my heart in ways that it should have.

I knew that black people had a tougher time because they were judged by the color of their skin. People would make determinations about the kind of person someone was based on their skin tone. This wasn’t across the board, but it happen enough. It happen enough that I would imagine one would just assume it could happen in any setting. This in and of itself is incredibly hard to live with.

What I didn’t realize was the fear of so many every day activities that black people have to life with. I didn’t realize the health disparities. I knew virtually nothing about systemic racism. I didn’t realize the prevalence of different forms of racism.

I tried to teach my girls how blessed we were to not have to worry about living in danger or fear. Here’s the thing though. I told them how lucky we were to live in a good neighborhood where we didn’t need to fear walking out our door and wondering what might happen. I told them we were blessed to live in America and that some kids live in a dangerous country where they need to fear leaving their house or their neighborhood.

I did not teach my girls that we are lucky to live without those fears not only because of where we live but because of the color of our skin. I led them to believe that it was people we didn’t know that had to live a life of fear. I didn’t talk about people they know at school or church that may be living in fear and not nearly as blessed as we are. I didn’t teach them that being white led us to live a safer life. I was ignorant and I dropped the ball.

I will do better. I will make sure Emily knows that there are people that may be our neighbors, her classmates, people we attend church with and our friends that can’t say the same. They can’t say that because they live in a decent neighborhood in America, they don’t have to fear for their lives while doing normal LEGAL activities.

It appears to me that racism, prejudice and thought patterns have improved through the generations in my own family. When I think about my grandparents vs. my children and my nieces and nephews, there is a difference. It looks like the same thing somewhat plays out in society. I see a lot more diversity in the community than when I was younger. When I compare TV, movies, business and political leaders and work forces, there seems to be more diversity. There is a lot more focus on not judging others by the color of their skin. I have seen the youth of today go about their lives not even considering the color of people’s skin. It never crosses their mind to care. I often hear about kids describing other kids and they never think to state their color.

Based on what I have seen, I thought we were doing better.

But is it just from my view? Are people more politically correct now? Are people just fighting their way through the racism? Is just more accepted and expected now because it’s been going on for so long?

I thought we were doing better, but there is so much pain, fear, frustration and anger still today. All of those emotions are still justified because racism still exists in people’s hearts, words and actions. Systemic racism is very real and very present.

We aren’t doing better. At least not better enough. Maybe some areas have improved, but it isn’t enough.

We need to do better.

While it might seem to me that less people are considering skin color when deciding how to treat someone, it is still out there.

Black people, especially men, are still fearful of carrying out basic activities without being hurt or killed. I read a post from a friend that prayed that she would not have boys for fear of what may happen to them. This broke my heart. This should not be the case.

I used to be encouraged that my girls don’t see color when they see people. This was the big message that I have heard most of my life. People are people and we shouldn’t see color. While I am glad that my children and other people I know, aren’t seeing someone’s skin color as a reason to make assumptions or judgments about them, this message, although it had good intentions and pure motives, isn’t correct. It doesn’t help to say we don’t see color and just go about thinking of everyone the same. We need to see color, but we need to treat all people equally. We are not all the same, but we are all equal.

The thought process of not seeing color down plays the real issues that black people are living with. Just because I may not feel differently about a person of color does not take away the fact that they are living a different reality. They do not live the same life as me. For people of color it is different. The whole experience of living day to day is different.

Recently, the Governor of Ohio said:

“everyone — no matter where they were born or who their parents are — deserves the chance to succeed, to get a good-paying job, to raise a family comfortably, and to be secure in their future.” 

Governor Mike DeWine

This is not happening in America. It needs fixed.

Governor DeWine also paraphrased this quote

“It was once said that the moral test of government is how that government treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; and those who are in the shadows of life, the sick, the needy and the handicapped.”

Hubert Humphrey – Former US Senator and Vice President of the USA.

There is so much more to this than just how we treat or think of one another. There is even more to it than the fear that black people live with on a daily basis that should simply not exist. As a country, as a society we are not set up to help those that are forced to live in the shadows of life. Too many get stuck there. Too many do not have the same opportunities that others have.

I pray that the year 2020 will be a wake up call. I hope we will be able to look back and see that it was the start of greater awareness and change.

#thoughtsofBridget